I think about true beauty

What is it? What does it mean?

I reflect on the beauties of this world

On my right is a model so gorgeous they say

But who am I then but unbeautiful.

If model’s are gorgeous and pop stars the top

Then all that it means is I’m not

If naked women and men are glamorous

Then I must not be

It drives to destruction and death

Vomiting ever meal and destroying my treasures

My voice destroyed and all I’ve wanted is to sing

But now I can’t go back

The days I starved

My stomach in pain

The times I beat myself for the shame

That I didn’t even deserve

The nights gone by

And the only thought

Beauty

But I’m tired for fake lies

It tells me beauty is pleasure

It shouts to me that beauty is not me

Beauty is that gorgeous woman

NOT ME

Beauty is that girl dolled up in dollars

But im poor with clothes

Beauty is that girl with big breasts half-naked

And all I am is not

Days and night it drives my finger up my throat

And nothing in my stomach

A hoarse voice

A tired mind

A dying girl

BEAUTY HAS DESTROYED MY EVERY BEING

My fiber of self

This beauty has completely take my dreams away

And all I’m left with are scars

And a throat that can’t sing the songs that I dreamed

So why am I still searching for this beauty

And all of it in ten years will be gone

So stop me

STOP ME

I’m tried of this stupid thing

I’m tired that all I am is pleasure

I’m tired of this

I want TRUE BEAUTY

Beauty of love that lasts forever

That restores me to myself

Gives me the voice to sing

To the one I love

Beauty that lasts forever

One that isn’t pleasure

But actually pain

Beauty that will love me

Whisper in my ears that

Regardless of what I look and have

I am beautiful for ME

Its time to give this beauty a chance

Don’t you dare steal this beauty away

Don’t you dare

My heart hurts

Everyday, it seems like my heart is getting sucked out.
It hurts everyday. It's suffocating. I don't want to go the way I'm going, but somehow it's almost useless. Everyday there's only more worries. Everyday there's only more heartaches. I'm tired. I'm so worn out.
Financial problems.
Emotional problems.
Physical problems.
Spiritual problems.

Daddy, I'm tired. I'm so tired..I just want to give up.
Maybe I just need to get away from this place even for a little bit. I just need some rest.

11 hours of work

Lately, work has been very tiring and long...VERY LOONNNGGGG!!! -.-
But in the midst of all the tiring long days, somehow God manages to find me and speak his soft gentle words at me or blow gently into my heart. Those times are times i love to treasure in my heart.

So I work at an autistic school as an education specialist. Its more or less like babysitting while trying to repeatedly teach them to do certain behavioral things.
It's funny to think that my conception of being normal has been challenged and changed during these past two weeks. I work and live 6 hrs of my life with them, only to realize that these kids are as normal as anyone else. They're not mentally and behaviorally disabled to me, their themselves. Just as I am Hoam, they are Austin, Rain, Alasan...etc. It's funny that this is where I've found a place with no stereotypes, racial cliches, or gender differences as a means of identity. God tells us to love regardless of what their given identities are; to look beyond their appearances and love them for their hearts.

At work we had a staff meeting about behavioral stuff. It was like psych 1 all over again.. boring. But, one of my coworkers were talking about one of our kid who has a behavioral problem of being belligerent. He beats people up when they dont give him what he wants. He's the scary, big one at school everyone is afraid of. But, my staff coworker was saying that in public he will beat people up to get what he wants, but its been hard to change that behavior and show him that when he gets beat up he will have radical consequences of jail, tazer and police action. But, she was saying that once when he couldn't get what he wanted at a mall he was right about to jump someone, but she had to with all her strength pull him down harshly. She said that it hurts her so much to have to do this everytime. This got me thinking about God and our sins. Sins only hurt us and hurt others probably more than just beating someone or ourselves up. Sin has an almost killing effect on our souls, and yet we keep on going. But, God of course being our Father can't bear to see us even get a scratch on our knees. But, when we have rejected his urges to stop us from sinning (out of love), and can't see the love beyond his actions, he will allow punishments as a way to show us that sin hurts. It's like a child putting his hands on top of the stove when hot to see what fire feels like, but his daddy everytime catches him to grab the child's hand before it reaches the stove. But, when the child doesnt stop trying the dad will stop his interferences so that the child can witness the punishment of putting his hand in fire: a burnt hand. But, what really struck me was my coworkers word, "It hurts." The more I thought about it, the more I realize the depth of pain God must feel to see his children have to bear the punishment. God would rather interfere countless times so that we dont get hurt (thus Jesus), but we wont mature if we can't learn. A dad is hurt when his little child gets a scrape on his knees, how much would it have hurt when he had to see his child put his hand in the fire and to hear the screams and cries of his child when the pain got to him.

WAr on PRinCipAlities!

My life isn't just to be in my home and be lazy. My life ISN'T TO BE STUCK IN SIN! I WANT TO BREAK FREE, FIND MY WINGS AND BURN FOR MY LOVE! FREE ME FROM MY FLESH AND BONDAGE! I WANT TO BE FREED! I WANT TO BE the REMNANT OF GOD! A HOLY, SACRIFICED CHILD OF GOD! A HEART CIRCUMCISED ONLY FOR GOD!

It seems after so long, the time of my marriage with God is coming. My wings are starting to sprout, but my scales need to be shed. I WILL BY THE POWER OF GOD go to NAshville, TEN not for fun or enjoyment, but because I NEED TO WALK IN A NEW COVENANT. Something amazing is going to happen soon, and I WANT TO BE THE REMNANT! THe next generation holy and undivided to GOD. MY HEART BURNS, SO MUCH MY EYES HURT. I MUST Go. WIll you join me in going to fight principalities of this world. The principalities of sexual lust and sin, idol worship and BAAl! I know this is off the wall, but it seems the last 4 years of my life will come to a apex there! Nashville, 7.7.07

Miracles

I did talk a little about miracles the other time. Miracles happen at the most bottom of times. When things are harsh and stormy, with a little faith and much prayer, a miracle can happen. =]
Just like it did in my family. I've heard so many stories in my life where God directly intervenes whether through visions or Him acutally speaking or blindness or something, but today God used someone else not even Christian.
So, everything in so cal is still on hold for the next month or so. So, there's no action until about 1 or 2 months in the future. But, my mommy and much other ppl have been praying for God's intervention. Of course God being faithful brought one.
Part of me is unsure how to tell this cuz there's a huge story behind this, but i'll try to tell it as cohesively as possible. My dad works in Venezuela. The problem was that right now in Venezuela there's riots all over because their trying to kick Chavez out because he wants to turn the nation communist. ON top of that there's been huge labor riots as well at my dad's work place. So the factory shut down for a long time. Thus, no production, no money. So labor unions spread rumors to the ven gov saying my dad was a bad man doing harmful things, but my dad uses most of the money he earns to spread the gospel through bibles and rebuilding churches and lots of community stuff. So, the labor unions were trying to steal the factory. So, its been hard to hold on over there, but today something amazing happened just at the right time. Today was pretty much the last day of negotiations and my dad just couldn't hold on very longer. But, a man from the government came to meet my dad. He explained that after he heard the rumors, he had to investigate. So he went around the neighborhood trying to find who my dad was, but only found the good things he's been doing. The pastors rose up to support that my dad has been doing amazing community outreach, feeding the homeless and starving kids, and other things. So, this gov official said that because he was doing more social work and doin so much good, he would help. This was the exact break my family needed. The more amazing thing is that the gov official said he would help my dad only because he was Christian. Crazy... -.- I thought stuff like this happened in dreams, but to see my God work in the midst of evil gives me hope, but gives me reason to repent. I know I'm not faithful in prayer or petition let alone seeking God. But, today I find all the more reason to seek God. He does work. He just worked. He is still working.

ruminations of the day

So what do I do on my lil breaks? I think =] Yea..think think

So, I figured a couple things out..
(not Biblical..this is how i try to understand hard questions about Christianity)
1) During the hardest times where everything seems to be broken, then God's hands and heart can be seen. Even more today I saw God's hands, and that is good for me. =] It's true most everyone in the bible saw God's loving heart and became healed or touched when they were in the worst state ever whether bleeding or lame or leper or daughter's death. So, miracles happen in the dingiest places in our life.
2) Why do Christians have a hard lifestyle? Why is it that it seem that non-believers have a much easier life while Christians dont?
The Bible already says it's easier for a camel to go through a needle than a rich man to go to the gates of heaven. Same way. Our lives as Christians are hard because we don't live by the world's standards. The world is easy compared to what God has called for us. Our lives aren't just lives on earth but a spiritual life, which means that what we do on earth is reflected in the spiritual battles or etc that we can't see! Thus, we are not only alive on earth, but alive in (weird to say) a different realm, the spiritual one. That is why our lives are more challenging. We aren't just faced with hardships such as rejection from a job, but there are other forces that are working against us and for us.
3) So #2 got me thinking about our roles as Christians on earth. What is our role?
I've heard lots of things from soldiers to generals to children to servants to etc.. So yes we could be doing all those because as ambassadors we do all that! =D So, when we had given our lives over, we became part of God's kingdom. Of course being in his kingdom means we must be trained to be part of it. This earth is our training ground, but it's also the battle. So, what do ambassadors do. Ambassadors have a different nationality and go to different countries to represent their nations. They don't assimilate to the new culture, but wholly represent their identities. Crazy no? Ambassadors aren't slaves or do the dirty work either (those are angels). We represent our kingdom, in order that we can bring more into our kingdom. Why do we bring them in? Because the kingdom we represent gives life while the other brings death. Of course we've never really been to our kingdom, but we grow in faith by reading Bible, Bible studies, community, church etc so that we can be more part of the kingdom. Plus, this kingdom got good benefits. Come on who else can give eternal life while giving unconditional love. =]
4) Lastly, I thought today also about Obedience.
I honestly hate that word because I really love my own freedom to do anything I want even if it means (yes) doing bad stuff. So, i struggle through this over and over again. But, today I started to see a lil into this. What came to mind when I was talking to my mom was the story of Peter (Could be Paul..dont remember) in the ship who all day fished and couldn't at all catch anything. It became too late to get anymore fish and they actually started to dry their nets. But, then Jesus comes along and says, 'Peter go through on the right side.' This part becomes weird. Because, Peter as a fisherman knew that the fish don't come out then and knew the patterns of fish. So why is Jesus saying to cast out a net when really there shouldn't be any fish? Yet, Peter does obey and BAM there are so many fish he asks his friends to come and help cuz the net was breaking. Obedience, yes it's about giving up my free will. Yes, its about letting go of all those things I want such as wealth, comfortable life, having that great STI (crazy car), or even the great house I always dreamed. Why? BEcause my life is for a different kingdom now. I am a princess of God's kingdom, and a princess doesn't live for herself nor do princes. We obey because it's not just ourselves on the line, but now as a higher positioned child of God, we are putting other souls on the line. But, really when we obey it allows miracles to happen. IT allows US to understand God more. It gives us a chance to see the heart of God. Really, Peter in the end saw the love of God through his beloved fishing. Fishing was his one way to life, and Christ gave more than abudantly to Peter. Why? Jesus showed Peter that He loved Peter, just as he was. Jesus came to the level of Peter by giving him fish and roasting it together for breakfast. Through that experience Peter ended up giving up his life for Christ. Now, can we obey?

...too many thoughts..i should stop thinking in the showers.. -.-

I thought I would start writing

Today, I did go to my so-cal church. Today, the pastor (whom I've known for years) decided to speak on the exact thing I needed: I've been falling quickly away because things have been changing too fast and too quickly. I've lost sight of God considering all the things happening around me, but He spoke truth in my heart. All he really said was that I had to invest back into my community. Being in so-cal means I'm far from my community, and it's hard to keep my faith without my community. So, I realized my need to keep my community posted about my life. It was even cooler cuz I prayed for God to send someone from my berk community just to call me, and really it happened (I LOVE MY LADIES!). Blogs are not because I want anyone to take advantage and think I'm whimsical, but because I want to open my life for blessings as well as open my life for others to receive more. So, funny to say, I felt an urging to create a blog! =D Cool! So this here Blog will tell you what I call alerts on my life as well as blessings. =]

I'ts really about sharing my life (not with a secular twist..life without God sorry to say isn't as exciting), my questions about God, my faith deterrents, my sorrows, and pains to my community.